what's happening to me...

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what's happening to my life..
i really dun have any idea bout it..
i dunno what's exactly happening to me now..
when i'm trying to make things become better,it turns out to disaster..
now i know,i'm really not gud in making on whatever decisions..
i'm always screwed up on every single thing..

every morning,i'll wake up,to do d usual thing..subuh prayer..
n after i've done my subuh prayer..
tears will fall so fast,non-stop from my eyes..
i'll cry on the prayer mat as soon i've finished recite my 'doa'..i'll cry with all of my heart..
i dunno y i'll b acted juz like dat,juz after i've done my subuh prayer..it's more like a new 'habit' to me now..
perhaps becos of..
i'm really afraid of wats gonna happen..
when everytime i open my eyes, after having a quite long journey thru my dreams in my sleep..
n wants to create a new chapter of my life everyday..
as i've been thru a lot of rough times..
maybe this is d biggest task dat God delivered to me, n to see whether i'm capable to deal with it or not..
hm..i'm trying..i guess..still trying to holding on to whatever things dat i can rely on now..

sometimes..
i feel like i do not even know d real sides of me now..
not knowing myself well..
things dat r used to b so small.it will becomes complicated..thanks to me..
but i didn't mean to do so..i really don't mean it,im saying it out loud..
but i know..everyone will not hear me..even my bestfriend..
if someone that used to love me now is ignoring me,dun have any trust of me at all now..
how bout the other people that r not so close n not knowing me well?i'm pretty damn sure of what my answer to it..

if only suicide is d last n legal thing dat i can do..
i think i'll have no hesitation to do it..
i'm fed up with everything dat happens around me..
there r too many things dat i've to deal with..
n it's haunting me now..
n up until now..i still can't get rid of any of it..
i'm really2 want to stop it immediately as i can't wait..n i can't take it any longer..

i'm changing..yes i need to change..
but is seems like there's a lot of obstacles dat i need to pass thru to change every matter of my life
juz like i'll always wish..
i know it's hard for me..

but..
how am i goin to change..
if day to day..night to night..
i'll only received bad news..bad news..and bad news..continuosly..
it's killing me softly..i'm not strong..
i'm fully regret of everything dat i've done in the past..
i'm still searching for the remedy to cure my hard-to-solve pains..

juz like one of my friend,yana,always said to me..
" 'shit' always happen my dear,u've gotta take n deal with it,it's spice of our life"

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it's hard for keeping a deadly secret of my entire life from someone..
which is i'm actually dying to tell dat person whats exactly happening at first place..
i know u discover it from me,judging me..u juz c it from outside..but deep inside,what's exactly happened 'behind of it' ,u dun c it at all..
i know clearly bout it my dear..it may be sounds odd to u..but this is d truth..
but i can't tell it..no, i can't let dat person know..
as if he knows......-but i do hope he'll know nothing bout it at all...
if u want to know.then i'll have to kill myself i guess..i'm not fooling around..
as i'm really tired of d really2 big prob dat'll b exist if he knows..
i rather die than face it..

but thanx to god..cuz up until now..u know nothing bout it at all..